messy hands.

**This was written while we were in Africa**

I start each day with clean hands & a clean body. & then comes Africa. The roads & the children & the dirt & many many handshakes. They all leave their mark. & then at the end of the day, you look at your hands and realize you're five shades darker. You wash your hands & the soap and water literally turn brown.

And most people hate this and find it disgusting. And ya, it kind of is.

But I crave it.

Because it means I did something. Because the reason behind the dirt is that children were loved & encouragement was given & lessons were learned.

Because of this, the dirty water is completely beautiful.

trust.

Trust: Firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.

We talk about trust often. Trust in God. Trust in friends & the one that we are in love with. I don't think  a lot of people are ever forced to full on trust anyone though.

We say we trust God & we trust our friends. But I think what we mean is that we would trust them. If we ever had to.

Most of America has food & water & education. We really can function without God. If we are hungry we go to the kitchen cabinet. If we're thirsty, we get a drink. If we're sick, we go to the doctor. 

In my daily life, I am not forced to trust God. 

But that has changed since I've been back from Africa. You see, I have emotions that no one understands, nor can I put some of them into words. The English language isn't big enough for my emotions. Probably because God is bigger and waaaaayyyy more complex than our language. 

The biggest way in which I am having to trust is my future. I know bits & pieces of what I am supposed to do, but I have no idea how to get there. So I am waiting & trusting. It's scary & yet feels so good to be fully trusting God. 

I find it thrilling.

So now I am just waiting & trusting. Waiting for the next step.

"Jesus replied, you don't understand now what I am doing, but someday you will."

John 13:7

25 lessons Africa taught me

I learned so much while in Africa & am still trying to process everything I learned. I want to share with you some of the things that I learned & some things I have become thankful for.

#1: This world is so much smaller than we make it seem. Yes, smaller. In less than a day, you can get halfway around the world. 

#2: We are all so much more alike than we think. 

#3: God is good. So good. He is so worthy of our trust.

#4: When we give God our lives. Truly tell him he can do whatever he wants, he will replace your dreams with such greater dreams. 

#5: I LOOVVEEE african children. It is such a God given love, because it is a stronger love than I have ever felt towards anyone or anything. I have such a deep craving to be with them. To love on them.

#6: It is soooo possible to be content without being comfortable.

#7: Culture shock is real. 

#8: It is so important to spend your life doing meaningful things. There are sooo many people out there struggling to survive, holding onto life with their pinky. It is possible to make their lives better.

#8: I think God sometimes God gives us confusing emotions that we can't explain in words, so that we are forced into his arms.

#9: Children are capable of way more than we think. 

#10: Showers are amazing. I am sooo much more thankful for water. Running water. Drinkable water.

#11: I have become thankful that every day I have food. 

#12: There's nothing I want more than to live a good story with my life. I want to help people. Help to make this world a better place. Give away my life in hopes of helping others get to live there's.

#13: I've learned more about how to love people. Truly love them. Unselfishly.

#14: After seeing pain, true pain, I've learned that without God there is nothing you can do to help this person long term.

#15: To live in Africa is not as romantic as people think. After you get over the thrill of a short-term trip, it truly is hard.

#16: Africa definitely is very "romanticized" in our minds. 

#17: I am so inadequate for what I feel God wants me to do with my life, but boy am I willing.

#18: It is sooo hard to put a trip like this into words. Especially when people want a 10 second explanation..or less!

#19: I am even more confused after coming home as to what I am supposed to do with my life. I am being forced to trust God & it is scary. I read this on a blog today, "He doesn’t withhold info because He doesn’t love you but because of His great love for you." He knows what this small mind can handle  & so I am leaning to trust and wait.

#20: For so little money, we can change the course of someones life. YOU can send a child to school. YOU can fill their bellies. For around $100 (which is astronomical in Swaziland) you can send a child to school. Which alters the rest of their life.

#21: Our problems are sooo tiny.

#21: Inward beauty truly does shine.

#22: A heart full of joy & contentment changes everything.

#23: Found this to be soo true: "Impression without expression leads to depression."

#24: People are what make a place beautiful.

#25: I am starting to fall in love with Africa. The way of life. The kiddos! The joy. The happiness. The broken-ness. Everything.

And while some of these lessons sound small & sound obvious, it's different to know the lesson & know it. Truly have learned it & know it with all of your heart.

hunger.

hunger. we hear about it all the time. but it’s hard to imagine with a full belly & and an abundance of food around you. it’s hard to imagine when you have never truly been without food.

we raise money to help the hungry. you throw in a $5 from your wallet out of obligation. in most of america, we eat 3 meals a day. and if you do struggle with money, there are lots of organizations that will help you. or you get help from the government. 

but there are places of the world where hunger is real & people are forgotten. they starve to death. death. while we have an abundance of food. why is this, when it does not have to be?  i promised myself that i would not blame america. but it doesn’t make sense to me how we can go on with so much abundance while people are starving. 

today we met a couple with four children. the parents that you see in the picture, had not eaten for 3 days. the four children go to school, and thank god, get a meal there. so five days a week they get one meal. 

in a week, those children eat 5 meals while i eat 21. that number convicts me & makes me want to fight for these voiceless people. 

the husband has very bad back pain, & he has the smallest legs i have ever seen. he was obviously in so much pain. because of his severe back pain, he cannot work. the wife cannot work because she constantly has to be by his side. 

because of the generosity of the people who funded our trip, we had some more extra money to deliver food to a family or anything else that Erica saw needed to be done. she decided that we should go & deliver food to this family. 

it was a long ride out there & they were way out in the rural part of Nsoko. if we hadn’t been sent to feed them, i don’t know if they would have gotten food for a long time.  for under $50 we were able to provide them with food for around a month. 

we were told after that a cow could provide for this family for life. life. and get this, a cow costs $400. 

it amazes me how little can do sooo much.

it pains me that though we could take care of them today, there’s no telling if anyone will take care of them & feed them next month.  

if anyone will remember to feed them.

this is when trust steps in. trust that God will take care of them. he does not tell us to save the world. i have a hard time with this because i want to save the world, i want to rid our world of all hunger. but he tells us to take care of the need put in front of us & trust him with the rest. 

i just feel so privileged that he used us to feed them today.

so much pain.

WRITTEN ON TUESDAY JUNE 25

there is so much pain here.

so often, when people come back from africa, they tell of the joy of the people & the beauty of this place. but i’m gonna tell you that though there is so much beauty, there is so much pain. 

oh so much.

today we saw this firsthand. 

we were driving along the road, when Seneli, are driver & translator , stopped the car and got out. he ran up to the house we were by. later we found out this was because he saw a man standing threateningly over someone.

we could hear screams of pain, and crying. i will never be able to forget it. so much pain. we could see Seneli talking to the man.

we waited in the car, because it would do no good to have white people run up there. around 10 minutes later, Seneli came over & told us what was going on.

the man had been beating his wife with a spear, who was pregnant with an 8 month old.  

oh dear jesus.

Seneli went back up to the house to guard the woman, and to call people. 10 minutes later, we got her into the car to take to the police station & to the clinic.

at this point, we were not sure if the baby was still alive.

she was obviously in so much pain. emotionally & physically. so so hard to watch.

there were slices on her arms & legs that were bleeding. she had a bad limp & was moaning as she walked.

we had to be careful to try not to get blood on us because of the huge HIV/AIDS epidemic here. 

we reported everything to the police & got that taken care of & then rushed her to the clinic. 

at the clinic she moaned loudly out of pain as we helped her up onto the table. the nurse examined her & then said that she would need to be taken to the hospital to check on the baby & to get her wounds checked out.

here in Swaziland, and probably in most of africa, you need to travel to get to a decent hospital. the nearest decent hospital from Nsoko is an hour away.

they took her there & all we could do was wait. 

later that night, we got a text that the baby is alive & that they did not admit her over night, which is a good sign.

she was moved from her husbands homestead to her parents, where she will hopefully be safe.

sadly, this is not uncommon around here. it breaks my heart, the pain that is experienced here. thank God that we happened to be there at the right time. there were so many things that “happened” to get us there at the right time. 

there is so much beauty here & yet so much pain and hardship. 

how can one see the pain here & then go home to their normal, safe, happy, and comfortable life? i am not sure.

i am fearful of going home. i have no idea how to tell of all that i have experienced. i am scared that i will not portray it correctly. i am being given such responsibility with going back. it is my job to tell of this place.

 to be the voice for the voiceless. 

Lwandile

WRITTEN ON MONDAY JUNE 24TH

today we got to meet the girl that we have sponsored for about a year. the fact that she lives in the tiny little country of Swaziland, && that we would end up being able to visit her is amazing. when i chose her, i was just scrolling through the pictures of kids and thought that she was cute.

early this morning, we got up to go to her homestead. i was so excited getting to meet the child that i already felt a connection with. 

because of the extra money that we raised while we were fundraising, we were able to go the grocery store && buy some food that will last them a while.

we were greeted by lots & lots of extended family, her mom, and our sponsor child, Lwandile. such a happy moment. 

mats were quickly rolled out for us, and i “pulled” Lwandile into my lap. such a sweet moment to hold her in my arms, finally. i cuddled her close & saw her precious smile. 

she is honestly the most beautiful child that i have ever seen.

i gave her the african doll that i had found back in the states, and her face lit up. beautiful moment. i brought her back in close to me & held her there. i just couldn’t get enough of her. 

i didn’t realize that this love was inside of me for a child that i had never met. i am getting to see God’s promises to me coming true right in front of me. 

i wrote before we came, “I am in love with a country i have never set foot on & people that i have never met.”

oh how that has been true.

we sang a kid’s song with the family & then all the sudden they asked Lwandile to stand up & i looked to see her doing the funnniest dance i have ever seen. she was kicking both of her legs up as high as she could and almost falling over.

to see the quiet shy little child doing this was hilarious.

after this, we brought out the food for the family && they were so so grateful. it is such a great feeling to be able to use what you have to help others. 

Lwandile got into the crayons & paper a few minutes after we had given it to them. for the first time, she was able to draw. my heart just about melted. she was so focused & would copy what people drew on the paper.

:)

experiences.

WRITTEN ON SUNDAY JUNE 24TH!

right now, i am only able to share experiences. because right now, i don’t know quite what i am feeling or what i’m learning. maybe i should. i’m not sure, all i know is that i don’t. so i’m learning to be okay with that. 

i want to. it’s frustrating to not be able to know why you are upset. or why you feel the way  that you do. 

im guessing that it comes with time. i really truly hope so. 

i have the responsibility to tell people what i have seen & what is happening here though. so i will continue to share what i know & share what is going on here. and with time i will share the rest. time.

i usually know what i am feeling & why, so it is frustrating not to know. but i am learning to trust jesus. the future & the here and now is in his hands. i am learning more & more about trust every day here.

so let me tell you what i know & maybe a little bit of what i think.

i am in love with the simplicity of life here. i know that God has me to live somewhere in africa one day. that has been confirmed over & over again while here. there is a special love in my heart for african children. i love them more than maybe i have loved any person before. the love comes from so deep & i just know that it is from God.

we were in a van on the way somewhere when i felt God say to me so clear, “You will love these children, and you won’t even be able to control it, because I  have instilled this love in you.” 

i love the smell of africans(it’s called no deodorant ;) . i know that it is freeing to be living such a slower pace of life. i know that God is using every single situation & adventure here to shape me. i know that my heart is so content & so so so full here. a fullness that i have not experienced before.

i know that i am starting to fall in love with africa && the lifestyle here.

bus ride.

WRITTEN SUNDAY JUNE 24TH!!!

I promised in the last post to tell about the public transportation “experience” in another post....so here you go...straight from my journal :)

“today was a tiring day & a very adventurous day. after the team left , we had to scadaddle off to Nsoko....on public transportation. on the way to the buses, matt tells us that we are going to have to just get off in the street when he stops & so we did. we get out there & there is a mess of people everywhere. we cross the street & i look back and see the police officer has the hand of jesse and grabs my dads hand. she tells us that we crossed the road the “wrong way” & therefore we need to go to the police station. seriously?! 

jesse finally talks her out of it & then she makes us recross the street the “right” way. throwback to first grade. after that, we stop at the corner because there are people EVERYWHERE & ALL of the bus drivers are yelling at us to get on their bus. sssttttresssfulll. 

as we are standing there, a bus backs up without warning, right into where people are standing. all the sudden, i look back & there is a gogo (older woman) that literally was 2 inches from being smashed from the bus. my dad luckily grabbed her out of the way. so that was interesting.

next we had to figure out the bus that we were supposed to get on. it was literally just a mess of buses everywhere!!! we finally got on the right one, and it was cccrrrrraaammmmmeeed. there were people in every single seat && the aisle was as jam packed as it could’ve been. okay then, guess we’re standing here for the next hour & a half. 

there were hands & butts all over me. it was interesting. if this wasn’t crazy enough yet, people started to need to get through the aisle within the first 10 minutes. like uh, nope, i reallly don’t think this is gonna work...just saying. but they somehow managed to get through. lets just say there were a lot of butts and a lot of crotches. 

we got lucky, and after around 45 minutes or so, we got to sit down. 

after we got to sit down, it was fine. actually enjoyable. the scenery is beautiful & there was a nice breeze.”

So that’s our bus adventure summed up. 

Nsoko

WRITTEN ON SUNDAY JUNE 24TH!!!

saturday morning “the team” left. it was so weird to watch them go, knowing that we might not ever see them again. we all bonded so quickly & connections were made on the deepest of levels

saturday afternoon, we arrived in Nsoko, the city where we will pretty much spend the rest of our time. Nsoko is a place of beauty. both the people && the land are gorgeous. we got here on public transportation...which ummmm deserves a post of it’s own & will sure get one;) we got here in the afternoon && then relaxed for the rest of the day. 

today we went to Eskhaleni for church. the worship here is breathtaking. literally. the voices of these Swazi people are each so strong && sound angelic. during church I close my eyes && just listen. taking in the sound of their voices brings me so so close to God. so so close. 

after church while waiting around for something, i went over to see some cows :) so just for fun, here's some pictures :)

tomorrow we get up bright & early to meet our sponsor child, Lwandile. i am so so excited. today we were able to go & buy a bunch of groceries & supplies for their family with extra raised money.  

Real Talk

This trip so far has been a contradiction. I have seen the most beautiful landscape && people that I have ever seen in my life && in the next moment the sickest baby I have ever seen. 

I have felt so filled up with love from God && from the people around me & yet each day I go and hold the children who rarely feel love.

Contradiction.

Each day my stomach is full & then we go and meet people who don't have enough food for their families. 

It hurts my heart. It frustrates me & confuses me. 

Right now I am not sure how to put my feelings into words that actually make sense. I feel so much & yet can explain so little. This too frustrates me. I want everyone at home to know-truly know. And yet I know that they won't ever truly. Especially so, if I do not explain to them.

Amidst all of this frustration and confusion, my heart is so full. So so full.

Little Faces

"I saw myself in those little faces. I looked at them & felt this love that was unimaginable and knew this is the way God sees me."

-Katie Davis

"Children want to play, eat, learn & be loved. We are all the same. We do not live in different worlds; we live in the same world."

-Katie Davis

The First Week....

Sanibonani!

 We have been in Swaziland for around a week! It has been a wonderful week for me, full of emotions, a happy heart, frustration, and love. Since Monday, we have been spending our days at the care points.

 Each day we spend time teaching a bible story, helping where needed, and lots and lots of time loving and playing with the children. At around 3 or so, we head out for a home visit. For this, we head out in groups of 3 or 4 and head to a home that the go-gos (grandmothers who volunteer at the carepoint) think could use some encouragement. In this culture, it is a normal thing to show up at houses and talk to the people. We try and ask them about themselves and their lives, and then read them some bible verses to encourage, and pray for them. I can’t really put my thoughts into words right now, but these home visits have touched my heart so deeply. So often we hear about the need and about the people. But to meet these people & see their tears as they tell us about their needs is so different. To hear them talk about how they don’t have enough food, and see tears rolling down their faces, touches you on the deepest of levels. I am convicted as I think about how much food is sitting in my kitchen in home. I want to do something, I need to do something. Im just not sure what yet. 

My heart is so happy and so content here. I am frustrated and overwhelmed with emotions & yet I am at peace. In the bus on our way from Jo-burg to Manzini, I heard God say in my heart this, “You will love these children, and you will not even be able to help it, because I have instilled this love in you.” It is so so so visible to me that God has been preparing my heart for all that he is doing long before I set foot on this country. I would not have been ready a year ago, nor would I have had the desire to even be here. 

I am learning so much & seeing so much every day. To be able to hold a child that is so hungry for love is such an amazing & beautiful thing. It is so apparent that these children want love & are so hungry for it. Children are extremely eager to be touching some part of your hand or arm at all times. They rub your hand against their face, desperate for skin to skin. It breaks my heart.  

I am seeing such a disconnect in what the bible teaches and what we actually are doing as Americans. It is disappointing & frustrating. I don’t know much of what I think right now, but I know that I need to spend my life doing what God has commanded us to do. To be putting what God has commanded us to do into action here feels so right. 

To be on the continent where God has given me so many promises is so amazing. My heart is so full. It just feels right. Thank you to all of you for giving me the opportunity to be here. I am so thankful for all of your prayers too. 

Off we go...

Tomorrow is the day. The day that has given me happy butterflies for months. The day that scares the heeber jeebers out of me. Why? Because there's no turning back.  

We're off to be the hands and feet of Jesus. To hear with our ears and see with our eyes the place and people that we have only seen pictures of. 

My feet are soon to step on the ground of the place that God has been speaking to me about for a year. My heart beats faster and my mind races as I think about that. 

Hard goodbyes have been done && suitcases are packed. Thank you to all of the people who have made it a reality. We truly could not have done it without you.

We are off!!!

Because I can't hug everyone thank you...

THANK YOU!! From the bottom of my heart, thank you to everyone who contributed to our trip or has prayed for us! We have raised over our goal amount, which is amazing because now we can help meet needs there!! 

I want to thank each and everyone of you! You have helped to make this trip possible for us! I am forever grateful and so amazed. To all of the people who donated to us on indiegogo, you all rock too! Special shoutout to Patricia Carter! :)

Quick little updates:

*We will be seeing our little world vision girl, Lwandile*

*It doesn't look like I will be able to write anything here for the first part of the trip, but hopefully the second part*

***2 weeks and 5 days until we are in Africa***

Thank YOU! You have encouraged us so much, and have made this possible for us!

Lots o' love

amy xoxo

Another Guest Post :)

 Today, I have another post, Listen and Respond on Blogs by Christian Women! I would love if you would head over and check them out! :)

Check it out HERE

My Greatest Fear

I am not fearful of what I feel my future holds. In fact I am excited to see all that awaits for me in Africa. I cannot wait to hold the babies and children. Speak to the people. Learn from them. 

But I have a fear that scares me. 

I have this fear that we will get to Africa and I will feel no emotional connection at all to the country. That everything I have felt God speak to me about the life he has for me there, is me talking to myself. 

That this is not my purpose.

And you won't understand how this is so scary to me if you don't understand what has been happening in my heart. You see, I feel no desire to spend my life in America. I do not want my life to be spent the way an average American spends theirs. When I see a African child, my heart leaps. I crave to spend every single day helping children who need help. And who need love. 

My heart feels like it has been disconnected from America, and all the things here. I dream about Africa. I think about it constantly. About the people, the country, the babies, and the life it holds for me. My heart longs to hold a child who has never felt love, and be able to love them.

And to find out that this is all a dream that I have made up would absolutely devastate me. 

I know in my heart that all that God has told me is true, but still, some days I doubt, because of  small faith.

I had a dream one night that Africa was all a joke, that there were no black babies, no poverty, and no children that needed love. I don't even think there was the continent of Africa. I was devastated.

And to think that this dream was a coincidence would be stupid. I whole heartedly believe that it was satan playing off of my greatest fear. 

And this is what I found.

"Blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of what had been spoken to her by the Lord."
Luke 1:45

Mary had just found out that she as a virgin was supposed to give birth to Jesus. She must have felt crazy as she told people that this was to happen. 

As a 15 year old I sometimes feel crazy as I tell people what I believe I am supposed to do one day. I mean what 15 year old wants to go and live in Africa? But I need to become more like Mary, and just trust that what he has spoken is true.

Let us trust that what he has spoken is true.

Be Strong and Courageous

Hello!

I am over on Jessinia's blog today, talking about.....

I would love if you would head on over to check out her little space and read my post :)

Click Here :)

Thank you!