My Greatest Fear

I am not fearful of what I feel my future holds. In fact I am excited to see all that awaits for me in Africa. I cannot wait to hold the babies and children. Speak to the people. Learn from them. 

But I have a fear that scares me. 

I have this fear that we will get to Africa and I will feel no emotional connection at all to the country. That everything I have felt God speak to me about the life he has for me there, is me talking to myself. 

That this is not my purpose.

And you won't understand how this is so scary to me if you don't understand what has been happening in my heart. You see, I feel no desire to spend my life in America. I do not want my life to be spent the way an average American spends theirs. When I see a African child, my heart leaps. I crave to spend every single day helping children who need help. And who need love. 

My heart feels like it has been disconnected from America, and all the things here. I dream about Africa. I think about it constantly. About the people, the country, the babies, and the life it holds for me. My heart longs to hold a child who has never felt love, and be able to love them.

And to find out that this is all a dream that I have made up would absolutely devastate me. 

I know in my heart that all that God has told me is true, but still, some days I doubt, because of  small faith.

I had a dream one night that Africa was all a joke, that there were no black babies, no poverty, and no children that needed love. I don't even think there was the continent of Africa. I was devastated.

And to think that this dream was a coincidence would be stupid. I whole heartedly believe that it was satan playing off of my greatest fear. 

And this is what I found.

"Blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of what had been spoken to her by the Lord."
Luke 1:45

Mary had just found out that she as a virgin was supposed to give birth to Jesus. She must have felt crazy as she told people that this was to happen. 

As a 15 year old I sometimes feel crazy as I tell people what I believe I am supposed to do one day. I mean what 15 year old wants to go and live in Africa? But I need to become more like Mary, and just trust that what he has spoken is true.

Let us trust that what he has spoken is true.